Tuesday, April 28, 2015

well this sucks

thanks to a major bug in the google app I have lost two entire posts on Zimbabwe and now I am so miffed I don't feel like starting over.

The Zambezi Sunset on Ze Explorer

The weather was perfect, clouds on the horizon promising rain, really just a patch in a sky bigger than the ones they have back in Montana. The Big Sky so enormous and broad that you can feel that the whole world can fit inside it with room to spare. Meanwhile, back on earth, Mother and I depart by bus to the Zambezi Explorer. Looking at the bus, I have high hopes that we won't end up in cousin Pete's pontoon smelling hippo breath, then I see the dirt road entrance and shades of crooked creek boat slip come rushing back with sharp focus and faint cords from a banjo tune. When we arrive at the dock, I see the Zambezi Explorer which looks like a very wide and big yacht with three floors and rails and something you would find in the Miami bay instead of the Zambezi River. The Zambezi Explorer is definitely not a pontoon although I can see several of them out there in the dark green water.
The river cruise is luxurious with iced tea (definitely american but not american) more fruity than tea but not snapple-ish.
Then the food trays come out with the mixture of the expected and exotic like chicken on a spit, salmon rolls, and crocodile tail. Overall, very rich and tasty unless your my mother. For her, they are indigestion bombs.
We see some wildlife, giraffes, baboons, some kind of monkeys, lots of birds, a croc or two and several pods of hippos.
But it is the sunset that we stop for midriver the motors humming to keep us in place as the sun falls out of that big sky and sizzles into the River to the west. It is breathtaking and beautiful and I find myself hearing Toto singing in the background of my mind and the words of a hundred poems I will not write run through my memories. This is Africa, this is the kind of phenomena that can belong to no man or woman but it there for anyone smart enough to stop and watch it happen.
Then the crew sings and the beauty of what it is to be African hits me as I sit trying to hold my phone steady to record the song while my heart is carried away into the bush and over the veldt.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Things you should not put on your visa in Zimbabwe

1. Secret Agent.
2. Terrorist
3. Spy
4. Assassin
5. Writer.
You can probably guess where this is going.
Visa Controller (Zimbabwe): So you are a writer?
Me: Yup (translated from the proper English: Yes sir)
Visa Guy: Oh, what do you write?
Me: mostly a blog but some fiction and books
Visa Dude: I mean what do you write about.
Me: Life and daily things and now I am writing a travel blog
Visa Man: Oh?
Me: (it dawns on me finally) I am not a Journalist.
Visa Man looks relieved and smiles: Welcome to Zimbabwe, Mr. van Vuuren.

I do not lie. I had to go through that interview twice. Second time I knew better.
Going into Zimbabwe at Victoria Falls is quite an experience on its own. The hotel looks like it was ripped out of that Don Henley Video "All she wants to do is dance" a third world post war zone airport that is now seeing some expansion and improvement. The confines are tight through customs and the luggage scanner is a monstrosity that squats in the corner ( I would have taken a picture of it, if I had not thought I would end up back in front of the Visa man). Every bag going in is x-rayed - however the man doing looks like the action is more for show since the conveyor belt feeds into a closed door and the luggage piles up unless you are quick enough to grab it before the crash.
Beyond that is colonnade that reminds me of Romancing the Stone, replete with armed guards and several drivers holding up hand written signs looking for specific guests. I quickly ascertain that there is no shuttle waiting for us nor does it run on any schedule like other places we've been. After I realize that there is no wifi signal trying to reach our hotel by phone/web becomes futile.
We agree that we will take a taxi. The Taxi ride takes roughly 30 minutes and costs $30 US. The Taxi driver is very pleasant and talkative.
The drive takes us by a sign that announces that we should watch for Painted Dogs. I wonder about it but fail to ask my driver until we pass another one that shows something that looks like a cow but has weird horns.
When I ask the driver says Buffalo.
This means Cape Buffalo.
So I ask him about the Painted Dog.
Oh, that's for a Wild Dog ( and he explains that it's one of a dozen local names for the dogs which have three toes )
I take note of this as there are plenty of people walking and sitting alongside the road. Back in the Game Park, the ranger had talked about how dangerous the wild dogs were, so dangerous that the game park had rounded them up and moved them out of the park. I glance a bit nervously at the bush.
Then we pass an elephant sign and our driver shrugs and explains that each of the animals stays in their general region around the road. The only animals we see along the road are small clusters of cattle grazing (no fences, just go wherever they please).
Then we get stopped by the police in a barren stretch of road and I wonder why the police don't get their own sign (but only to myself)
The Driver says: Speed Trap.
I look around.
Three Zimbabwe policemen, no guns, a police truck (think small bed pickup with bed cover) and no radar. I don't ask about how they can tell if you are speeding. The driver grabs two laminated sheets that appear to have the Driver's ID on them and gets out.
I observe that there is no meter in the Taxi.
I like this.
The driver gets back in and shoves some form into his side door where there are many like it.
We drive on. He apologizes about the delay.
We drive through Victoria Falls town. There are young men standing around every where (apparently doing nothing) I wonder at this but don't ask as we are then leaving the town behind.
I ask the driver about our lodging The Victoria Falls Safari Club which mom thinks is right next to the falls. Ours turns out to be above the town on what appears to be the only hill next to the town/falls.
When we get close I am stunned by the grandeur of the Hotels ( yep there are three hotels run by the biggest one of them, The Lodge, Suites and Club are each one.
Look, it's me stunned.
And that is Life According to Mike.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

The Dead Run Traveler

We've been going at a dead run for the last week.
We left the game park and flew back to Jo'burg on Monday. The only complication was that we flew back at 6pm. This would not be unusual save that we were asked to check out early from the lodge since they had a whole bunch of tourists dropping in for the night. So instead of a relaxing day to recollect and blog in the comfort of our room we sat in the lodges non-cooled lounge and waited until we could leave. Everything until that moment was first class and although this dull afternoon did cast a shadow, our driver - a female ranger from england named Ellen made up for the disappointing downturn. She was very jovial and jocular and made nice conversation all the way to the airport.
By the time we touched down in Jo'burg, I was exhausted and it just took too long to get back to the hotel and then we were up again and going the next day for Victoria Falls, which I would write about now but it's late and I have to catch a early flight to Durban at 8am. So it's time for some silly tablet games of world conquest and the easing into sleep for me.
Tomorrow I will bring you all up to date on the Victoria Falls Adventure while I hopefully compose this from our 4 star hotel.
and that is Mike according to life and night to you all.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Chasing Lions

After spending a quick and exhausted night at the Garden Hotel at the Airport which is as big as Dulles (and as confusing) we hopped on a twin prop plane bound for the outer reaches of South Africa at Phalaborwa which sits on the western edge of the Krueger National Park (which is immense). One of the prettiest airports I ever have visited, the men's bathroom was open air and the sink consisted of a flat surface with 5 holes and what appeared to be several glass orbs grouped together and embedded in the surface near the holes. Next to that was a rock pedestal. After some careful investigation, I determined that if I were to turn the rock something would happen and it did as water bubbled out of the five holes and ran across the surface. This put me in mind of Stallone and the three shells from Demolition Man.
Then we met a driver who took us inland to the Karongwe Game Park and then to the Shiduli Game Lodge where we checked in. First class treatment replete with what probably was mimosas as the door. Needless to say, we collapsed and slept until 3ish and then ate a quick lunch before departing on our first safari. Imagine a land rover with 3 rows of seats in ascending order welded onto the frame of the chassis. Three seats wide and very comfortable unless you are 6 foot tall. (I am the only tall person here). So it was pretty tight fit especially after they loaded my mother in with me. She did get in herself with much help. So from 4pm to almost 8:30 pm we roved the bush in search of game. Cameras at the ready with a driver and a tracker sitting on a chair that is attached to the left front side of the land rover's hood. No guns. just the 10 of us and the Bush. My traveling companions are Moven the GameGuideDriver guy who says you pronounce his name like Marvin Gaye just not the Gaye part (insert off color joke which I won't repeat). Lewis (I think) our fearless tracker. 4 Italians who talk pretty much nonstop. a Brazilian couple of which only the husband speaks any English and Myself and my dear old mother.
In Africa you have many animals to locate and shoot....with cameras. Of these 5 stand out as the most desired, they are called the Big 5 because they are the most dangerous.
The Big 5:
1. The Lion (almost always the Lions)
2. The Leopard (loner)
3. The Elephant
4. The Rhino
and 5. The Cape Buffalo (not to be confused with the Water Buffalo)
So it went morning safari at 6:00 am until 9:00 am and evening safari from 4:00pm to 7ish. 3 hours at a time on average and we saw them all with the Italians save for the Cape Buffalo, Elephant (which they had already seen before we got there) and the leopard who escaped their notice. We caught up with the leopard Saturday night and Sunday Morning. We ran them all to ground. Some were harder than others but none of them was as involved as the part where we went chasing lions.
Imagine if you will, 4 or 5 of these Land Rovers with drivers & trackers & visitors in tow criss crossing the last reported lion sighting searching for these elusive animals. Sometimes we were on roads, sometimes not, in the end we were off road more than not as we joined the others in following the dominant (maned) male and his pride as they ambled through the bush looking mostly bored.
Meanwhile the driver and trackers are chattering in at least 3 languages other than English and laughing, while the tourists point and shoot...their cameras and iphones (yep iphones now rule the world).
This is high drama and I am really needing to piss (this is a rough quote from the First Rule books). The Dogman will get it.
So we saw them all.
We also saw the Not so Big 3
1. The Cheetah (or as I will now think of it as the outcast -lions and leopards hate them and try to kill them at any given chance and have killed several in this park)
2. the Hippo which is very dangerous when provoked but as our game guide pointed out usually flees before fighting.
3. The Jackal which look a lot like foxes
and then the rest of the not at all big animals
1. giraffes
2. birds
3. terrapins
4. Kudu
5. Nyala
6. Impala (which I find funny since they are so small whereas the car is so big)
7. Water buck
8. those other bucks which I cannot remember their individual names or recognize again but one is locally called toilet seat bucks.
9. bugs
10. dwarf mongoose
11. baboons (none were carrying a stick though)
didn't see any snakes (thank thor)
and that is safaris according to Mike. 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Jet Lag and Exhaustion Part Deux

And, we're back.
The flight from Dakar to Johannesburg takes almost 9 hours.
We fly over several parts of Africa (too high to see it) but the good news is if the plane goes down and I survive the crash I won't have to swim.
Since I am telling you the good and bad news here some more:
The Good News:
1. The food is still good although my mother will disagree. Fortunately she waits until we are off the plane.
2. Having lots to watch is good. I catch several tv shows I have not ever seen that turn out to be really good.
A to Z, The Flash (which I had started the pilot but never finished it)
Last Man Standing, and I forget the rest.... sigh, but they were good.
3. Good movies as well: Finally watched Mocking Jay Part 1. I enjoyed it despite some of the pacing elements.
Inception: Better than I was expecting despite all the criticism by my brother....
4. the Cpap battery works.

The Bad News
1. Longest 9 hours of my life.... I know but it was more uncomfortable and endless then the first seven.
2. The airstaff was slow to respond if at all. you could summon one and no one would show up for hours.
3. It was not a smooth takeoff felt more like a slingshot straight up, the flight was bumpy at times and the landing left me repeating "Pull up dammit" over and over again.
4. There was only 1 or 2 episodes of the TV shows I liked.
5. Two and a half men is possibly the worst show I have ever seen.
6. water, water, water, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom.

We did arrive in Johannesburg.
I could no longer feel my legs or walk but we arrived.

And that was flying over the Dark Continent according to Mike. 

Jet Lag and other Exhaustions

The Good News.
Escorting your elderly mother through Dulles, a breeze save that it is miles and miles and miles long all the way to the gate.
Getting through the TSA easier save that awful moment when you realize your mother has packed in her hair product and large skin cream items into her carry on luggage despite my earlier warnings not to do so and you have to watch the agent fret over confiscating them.
no one wants to be the bad guy.
TSA agent: Do you have family here at the airport?
TSA agent: can you take it back and put in your checked luggage?
Me: No. I doubt it.
TSA Agent: So sorry.
Goodbye skin cream and hair products.
then it's a casual stroll with two rather heavy pieces of carry on luggage to the gate to wait and wait and wait.
This was the moment when I discover that my tablet is nearly out of power and my cell is not far behind.
I tried the recharge island with little to no luck.
I did meet a friendly evangelical baptist pastor and his wife on the way to SA for him to receive a doctorate. Yep, he took distance grad courses from California to South Africa to get a PHD in Ministry.
They were Mac Monsters and probably the primary drain on the power field. Well not everyone is perfect.
He did pump me with questions about Jesus and my own beliefs. Not too judgmental but still couldn't resist informing me that the entire bible was really just one gospel.... His wife did like most of what I said though.
No, not going to tell you what I said either.
I ended up sore from standing and with little to no recharge on my droids.

The Bad News.
7 hours to Dakar (my brother will says this is a good band name)
1. We got good seat assignment.
2. Found out they put us in wrong seats when the sitter showed up. He was surprisingly cool about it.
3. Instead of a row of seats with armrests you could fold up to lie down on we ended up the the front row of economy where the seats have those foldable trays and consoles.
4. The "cushions" are slightly softer than rocks.
5. I got my cpap battery to work with a phillips respironics CPAP/BiPAP but quickly figured out I could not sleep sitting straight up.
did the seat lean back? yes, no not really.
6. spent the first 7 hours shifting around from one uncomfortable to another slightly less uncomfortable position.
7. I have to pee it seems like every 20 minutes, I am endlessly thirsty.

The Good News
1. As far as I was concerned the air staff were very friendly
2. The food was sooooo much better than other airline food I have had to consume.
3. lots to watch since my tablet was offline
4. mostly smooth sailing, so smooth that at times- you'd swear the plane had stopped moving.

The Bad News
1. water, water, water....bathroom bathroom bathroom.
2. the console (per seat) was really bad touchscreen so you had to mash your finger to select something
3. the games on console did not work with the touch screen. I am kind of relieved there was no haloish games.
4. longest 7 hours of my life.
5. during the descent to Dakar, I discovered the problem of living and spending most of my time at the elevation of the Tennessee Valley.
my ears stopped up (blocked) to the point I went deaf- pratcially anyway. They did not unstop until we wear in flight later.
6. One hour layover- had to stay on the plane while the landing staff cleaned and reprepped the plane for more people.

and that was life across the Atlantic according to lard ass- err I mean Mike (I actually think if I had had a fat ass it would have been more cormfortable)
(I blame genetics...or my father for this).

Monday, April 13, 2015

For the Next 3 weeks Transfromation

As I said for the Next 3 weeks, I am turning this blog into a Travel Log of my trip to South Africa with footage and stuff each day of the trip. So you can look forward to that if that is what you do.
So let's start with why I will never try to rent a car from Hertz.

We reserved a car from Hertz, Mom and I worked for Hertz about 16 years ago and they seemed to still be a solid car rental.
Times have changed. 
We had some issues with pick up and drop off times, the plan was to rent the car, drive it to IAD (Dulles Airport) and drop the car there before flying out. what kept getting us, was if we rented the car for 2 days (48 hours) it would be about $260 but since I was working Monday and had a therapy appointment that gave us a narrow window for picking up the car (none of their locations are close to our house (30-40 miles) but we settle on the closest which was west knoxville (turned out to be in a strip mall. 
So this morning we headed down early and arrive at Hertz in Windsor Square shopping Center and found Hertz squashed between the Dollar Theater and a vacated store. 
The interior was decorated after the fashion of FBI front operations where you have a bare room with no signs and several desks and a few computers and 2 employees.
They were lackluster to put it nicely.

Also, it turned out they did not have the Full Size Sedan we had reserved.
In fact outside of the employee cars their "lot" looked a lot like this.
"But we have a Prius on the way in."
I had never laid eyes on a Prius so I agreed to wait and inspect it.


Tada!
This meme is fairly accurate as to my thought about the car.
I did not even try to get in that tin can on wheels.
It would be tight on Hobbits.
So I asked him if they had ANYTHING ELSE 
nope, nada, not a damn thing.
"This seldom ever happens to us."
He kept saying, but while he was apologetic, he did not offer any alternatives.
When I asked about the website reservation, he compared it to an airline as if that would explain why the website would say they had cars whereas the actual stores did not. 
The end of this irony was:
"No sir, none of our Knoxville Branches currently have any cars available"
and
a shrug when my mother asked about another car rental company.
and that was Hertz.
So I drove my mother and my cousin who had come to take my mother home to Enterprize which has a downtown office/branch.
Turns out while their building also looked a bit like a CIA Front operation, they did in fact, have plenty of cars to rent and we got a car at a better rate than good old Hertz.




So we are driving off to DC in a very roomy Nissan Altima that is first class as far as I am concerned in the morning.
Hopefully drop off will be straightforward 
and that is renting cars according to Mike.