Modern Dating According to Mike

When it comes to modern dating, I am about as good at it as I was back when I actually tried doing it.
It's amazing on how little has changed even with the rise of the internet and my own self-confidence.
I mean I want to socialize/date but I still can't even get out the starting gate.
I am considering updating my Ok Cupid profile (yes I am getting to that point again)
I think it has happened to me because I am writing a novel about 5 relationships (fictional) that happen in the late 90's.
What follows is really just some points and reflections on my research so far.
1. make sure you are not related, even distantly- it's weird.
Kenneth Wilson @writtenbyken
#WorstFirstDate @jimmyfallon @FallonTonight
Sitting on the floor. Kissing. Talking about life and family. Turns out. We are cousins.
2:51 PM - 6 Jan 2016 source: Follow Kenneth. He's funny.
It's a weird, weird world and you never know who you are going to run into. Even with a galaxy sized story, you can always get this...

So, it might not be your sister...twin sister at that, but "kissing cousins" is not just a cliche these days especially with all the divorces and remarriages. you might not be blood kin but I suspect if I fall for a woman and we kiss and then she says you remind me of my cousin Sam Coker, I might freak out just a little. Also, I suspect Sam is a good kisser- but I am not going to verify that personally.


2. Knowing when to call it quits:
Jennifer Mumme @MummeWummie
Date was so bad I gave the waiter 20 bucks to spill my drink on me to get me out of there.#worstfirstdate
10:54 PM - 25 Apr 2016 source:MummeWummie

Because Reasons:

• make sure you scope out possible exit points in the restaurant like back doors.
• verify bathroom in not in direct line of sight from where he is sitting.
• have a friend standing by for a convenient "butt dial of SOS"
• Have a friend call you mid-date in case you need an exit clause.
• If she checks her makeup or takes a selfie, calculate escape trajectory vs. velocity.
• Complain about the food and insist on taking your steak beck to the kitchen yourself, apologize to the chef and blow him a kiss on your way out the door.

3. Practice your compliments with your sister or a female friend or adversely your brother and male friend

M for Magnetic! @MariangelicaA

@jimmyfallon While at dinner, date looks at me and says "If you just lose 10 lbs, you would be a ten." I asked for dessert. #worstfirstdate

11:47 PM - 4 May 2016 source: MariangelicaA

10 bad compliments:

1. Those jeans don't make your butt look big.
2. You remind me of your sister
3. I love boobs, yours as well.
4.  usually, I don't like girls who are as short as you, but with you, I'll make an exception.
5.  You are so bubbly/perky/spunky
6. I can just be me when I am around you
7. your (insert body part) makes me (adjective) that I (action verb)
8. I like your (facial feature) it really makes you more sexy/beautiful/etc.
9. I like it when you remember to be a gentleman.
10. you are so much fun when you are (state of being- drunk/tipsy/high/etc).

Final note here: Google search only returned all the things you should or shouldn't say to women (it's epidemic apparently) when I found one site that reported good compliments for men they were all like this.
"I trust you"

"I'm listening"

"You're buff"

"I'm on your side"

Apparently, men are not vain, fickle, or in desperate need to know they can pick the right clothes, be the right weight or have nice body features. 

4. Vary your Dating Grounds.

Jessie @JessieB365

My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned into me and said, "You're the third one this week" #WorstFirstDate source: JessieB365

Dante's Dating Service
source image flip

moar:

• when the waiter knows what you are ordering by the time you and your latest date sit down.
• when you see the bus boys (or girls) setting up a betting pool to see how long your date lasts.
• when you get a thumbs up from the bartender or a thumbs down from the host.
• when your table is taken and you get upset about it.
• when you find out your last date liked the restaurant more than she liked you.
• when your smartphone notifies you audibly that there's a frequent diner coupon
• when she tells you that your last date looked bored and advises you not to order the seared tuna again.

5. Make sure you understand what going DUTCH means:

K. @kittykaresless

He had a $35 steak and several drinks. I had a $8 salad and water. He demanded I split the check 50/50. #WorstFirstDate

5:52 PM - 27 Jul 2016 source: kittykaresless

what it doesn't mean:

• Going native (or integrating yourself into dutch society/culture)
• dating dutch men or women
• asking for one bill, then doing your own math.
• smoking weed
• something about dutch ovens that I really don't want to know (WTH google!)

6. Tinder. Google dating or bad dates or anything variation and the number one or two hit is something about tinder dating backfiring.

top 5 search results on tinder (google and youtube):

1. getting my tinder date high
2. tinder date experiment
3. dozens of Tinder nightmare stories (a lot of women)
4. catfishing stories like crazy
5. guys looking for quick hookups
6. people pranking those guys

The truth is:

Kidding.

The truth is, I was never good at asking a woman (or girl) out on a date- this turns out that I was really good at falling for the wrong kind of woman (given my needs at the time). My line of dating rejections is long. 

For one thing, I was forever getting involved with women who either had decided they would NEVER sleep with me (usually before I had any say) or that I was best friend material.

I feel like I missed learning the pickup lines (I know it sounds cliched and corny but just getting someone to talk to you is hard enough but damn near impossible if you have no confidence and you are trying to do this in bars and at public dances.

Online dating was worse. 

Advice like being honest is a waste of time since I never fit in with my age group - I laugh about it now but people who are like me are older or younger. My peer group and I have nothing in common except high school and I hated high school.

The truth is, dating scares the hell out of me, it's too much pressure and after years of getting laughed at, mocked and made fun of- I quit. I literally stopped asking women out (men too). 

Now I haven't kissed a human being in nearly 20 years. Not even sure I would know how. 

If you have to ask about sex then my answer is Porn and masturbation will keep a person sane.

I still dream/desire love but the odds never seem to be in my favor. 

worthless advice:

• meet someone at work (this never works) most employers get antsy at "workplace dating" or romance...it happens but where I have worked for 14 years is NOT a good place to get into a relationship. Also, if you have time for workplace romance there is something wrong with your ambitions.
• meet someone where you work out. This is easy in movies and youtube. I work out at a church, a gym where no one frequents (like the Rush or whatever it's called now) and a pool/therapy place where the bulk of the people are in horrible physical shape and/or a LOT older than me. 
• meet someone online: Dating sites suck and take money- even the ones that are supposed to be free (but aren't). My history here has been an expensive failure (of epic proportions). I sympathize with women on these sites since they are often besieged with offers, messages, matches, trolls and worse. I really can't see how they manage to make it work (some do, so I am told). I never had much luck with dating sites. 
• personal ads. I ran a couple and radio silence.
• prayer. I want to believe prayer works then I hear Garth Brooks' song Unanswered Prayers and I do a lot of cussing, then some more praying to thank God for sparing whatever disaster that must have been, in the end, I gave up praying.

I suspect I am just too weird/different a person to ever find someone who would find ALL of me that appealing. 

I still want love, but I am unwilling to compromise or give up being what I am in order to be more appealing to a potential mate/date (if you have to ask, you just haven't been there).

So still single and not gay (why this is still a thing, God only knows).

This is dating according to Mike.

Feel free to disagree.