She haunts my dreams

    This year has been so hard on so many people. I would not complain.
That being said.

My Mother haunts my dreams.

    Oddly, she is often non-vocal, merely content to wander through the dream her ghost has created in my mind leaving me to unravel the meaning of it all. By the time, I begin to unravel it all, I suddenly need to pee in the dream only to discover that the dream doesn't allow for actual peeing.

    This is my body trying to wake me up. This is normally hard enough, but I sleep with a BiPap ASV so it's like waking the dead. By the time, I surface, the original dream is a distant memory and I wake with a sense of loss, confusion, and the now desperate urge to go find open water.

The dream is almost always the same.

Mom is living in a new house (It's a recurring event since the divorce).

    I was seventeen, the divorce was underway. I was the last person to be told in our family unit. My mother used my brother and me against our father as a nuclear option. We all died that night, in different ways. Looking back, I hate her for what she believed that she must do, for her lack of understanding as my brother then me begged my father, who was a million miles away in South Africa from the new Condo in Knoxville, TN USA. But I also understand that Mom was facing the oblivion of being ALONE and having to raise me on her own.

She would move one more time after that, to Luttrell, to the house I now own.

In my dreams, she moves often, to yet another version of a house that is unstable or flawed. Dozens of dreams later, I find myself invited to my mother's townhouse where she now lives with her fiance who is half my age (as I find out) and what is more, my sister is now living with her new boyfriend across the hall from mom.

    Both of these women are dead.

Mom died in January. the date and time is burned into my brain

My sister died in June.

Mom was 89. My sister was 73. I am 52.

Thoughts on the Turning Aways in my life and the times

On the turning away, when our generation once looked away to distractions of our youths 

because it was easier to occupy our coming awareness with collective fantasies

than to face the budding awareness that change was indeed possible as the winds turned again in human history

whilst I perfected my D&D skills AIDS took quietly took away two of my favorite men

their lifestyles were blamed, then the sexuality then drugs then music, and then when the was nothing else to tell but the truth my father denied who or what my uncle even had been all his life, and my religion stripped away even his own soul in favor of pleasing my mother and his own mother as well.

And Freddy?

He died with cautious dignity as I stopped turning away from the reality that denial is the single hardest thing to overcome, AIDS was real, while everyone around me was fucking to their heart's content, I did not.

Now to see it today, happening all again, I see my family and friends refusing to face a reality that endangers the weak, the elderly, and our children. It has killed so many people many of whom had no clue what they did or didn't do and yet as surely as the TV evangelists who screamed at the cameras of old that this was God's punishment to the sinful

They are replaced by Media Moguls who scream the same from the anchor desks and microphones.

Ironically, I find myself at odds with why God would put up with such idiocy that I can almost accept that He really sent those plagues upon the sinful in the good old biblical days of myth.

I mean the Egyptians had it coming.

The Pharoah was fine of course, in his golden palace.

but the average working-class guy was screwed because yet another angry, vengeful deity had a point to prove according to this guy Moses.

I no longer believe in that god. I no longer wish such blind punishments upon the helpless masses with the electronic diety held firmly in their hands worshipped daily as they spend almost as much time staring at their own turning aways as I did in my youth