I could have called this one. How I learned what being invisible is like to the Teachers I was supposedly helping including the Special Ed Manager who barely acknowledged my existence.
When the teacher in the fourth period asked me to read a whole sentence on a test and then stopped me all without even attempting to say my name, I was visibly shocked. I pointed at myself, somewhat dumbly, to clarify that she, unlike 3 out of the other 4 teachers who actually bother to ask me my name, wanted my help.
I should note that I am wearing a name tag this whole time.
At the beginning of the day, the office staff hands me a sheet of paper, that has a schedule with times and names and no labels or explanations on it. There are no directions, room numbers or even when lunch is on it. I am then sent to Mz. Wiz's (that's the name I am giving her) classroom. I assume that I will receive instructions.
Mz. Whiz is friendly, explains nothing about what I am doing, and then sends me on my way to first period.
Teacher number 2, Mr. Hobby greets me, points to a desk, and then ignores my existence until I ask if he minds if I eat breakfast. He nods and walks into the hallway where he remains until class starts.
He never acknowledges my existence until the class is over.
We start the class with a semi-fire drill. I am given no instruction. so I just watch the procession of odd logic: here is a fire alarm that is not loud but will speak to you if you listen and then the teacher leads the students into the hallway and out of sight.
They soon return. We then go over Circles
I soon realize we are doing psychology and not math (hint no mention of Pi)
Mr. Hobby starts talking about True North by totally not accurately describing it.
I am confused. There is a power point with slides that do not reveal True North either save that it might be a meditative trance/state. (this to 6th graders)
if any of these kids have a clue, I'd be surprised.
next, we did something called "check-in" and I realized they are doing the circle (and I felt like I was back in the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest)
Mz. Wiz reappeared, looked embarrassed, or smiled at me? but then left with a student who might have been on the sheet I was given. She later returned and collected another student who I asked the math teacher about (who continued to ignore me)
Then they all sang Koombyah and started Math class (okay, no one sang Koombyah).
Math problem.
A Pet store has 25 black kittens and twenty-two white kittens. Over the weekend they sell 16 kittens. How many kittens do they have left?
Solve using the K N O W S method.
that's
K- Know what the problem is
N- What you need
O- Operation- what is your strategy
W- Work/show your problem
S- Solve the problem
No order of operations is mentioned. The teacher forgets to include work.
the answer is (25+22) -16 +31
no cares how many white or black kittens are left unsold, they move on. I feel unfulfilled.
2nd period, I am about to introduce myself to the teacher when she suggests I sit at the back.
I dutifully take my place to watch Ms. Teacher of the Year, she has a trophy on the windowsill.
She starts with a powerpoint slide in which she proudly announces the the "Fist Grades" have been posted.
I am sure someone will ask or point it out.
Then I am sure, she will say it.
No, she walks back and forth in front of the slide talking about the First Grades that we posted.
I decide to leave a note in her affirmation book point it out.
The second thing that hits me is that kids now can check on their grades at any time. I wonder how I would have done in school had I known these things. I mean high school.
I went to middle school in the dark ages with torture devices and instructors who were turned down by the Spanish Inquisition for being too cruel.
I only had 3 weeks of social studies in my school career.
These kids are learning about maps. different kinds of maps.
Ms TOYr explains weather maps. Precipitation is rain, snow, mist, (makes weird magic fingers gesture) stuff. The jetstream gets no love.
She keeps calling topographic maps as Toup-a-graphic and now I wonder if I have called them the wrong name my whole life.
Politcial maps have lots and lots of colours like green, brown, gray and orange but bland orange (we do live in TN go big brialliant orange after all)
It occurs to me road maps only look impressive in the USA since we have so many types of roads, also so, so, many roads.
She shows a strange video cartoon about lattitude and longtitude that might as well be science fiction... since there is a malfunctioning robot and a guy in the arctic looking for a place in California and the guy uses GPS to explain in (very) brief terms how latitude and longitude work. The robot is no help at all.
We do learn (I mean it is told to us) that Latitude and Longitude are imaginiary lines, and we call it longitude because the north-south sorry up and down lines are long. She never explains what makes Latitude lateral...
She does mention GPS and explains that it is Global Positioning System but not how or why it is used. She mentions that Greenich is zero but nothing about time save that Longtidude in measured in minutes and you can find anyone using the two measurements.
Pilots and Ships will be happy to know their secrets remain safe, though.
Mz. Whiz reappears to collect students and studiously ignores me. I am concerned I have offended her with my mere presence.
I figured out where my next classroom is by dumb luck. I think it's reading (there are some books in there- nothing on the walls)
Ms. Friendly is nice, she does ask me where I'd like to sit, I choose a table at the back. She ask if I will stay in the classroom while they take a bathroom break, she struggles with my name, I tell her to call me Mr. V. She does so once.
I talk to 3 students about the books they are reading. one is reading about the holocaust and the other the Magician's Nephew. I get excited.
Turns out, both of them have just started and the class basically gets interrupted by lunch and Ms. Friendly spends the whole class talking about the most convuluted mess of apps to teach a "Lit class?" (still not sure that's what it was) via 3 websites, 4 pages, links that serve no purporse but have something vaguely to do with Harry Potter (in the most boring way imagineable) and the only thing we actually see is a word puzzle that results in the phrase "My Brain is a muscle"
I hope this is not science class.
4th period. Ms. "I can't pronounce her name and No one, not even the teacher told me either" science class
We have that test where I am asked to do that one thing.
then we have the actual fire drill. No one tells me what to do. I do decide to go outside. The teachers and students go to the far side of the parking lot. I give out at the parking lot and find a pole to lean against until we go back in.
Ms. Whatsit singles out a student- asks her name and then proceeds to missay it, and mispronounce it, for the rest of the class. She's nice about it.
For the rest of the class, Ms. Whatsit shows youtube videos (with ads) describing things like scales with little to no real explanation as to why or how they work. I give up and go to check my school email and sub app.
The highlight happens when youtube autoplays something that Ms. Whatsit just barely catches in time before disaster strikes.
Rule of thumb, never use autoplay on youtube in public. Unless you are prepared. No one ever it.
I get directions to 5th period, and hike there only to be told by Ms. Alt Arts that she doesn't need me and could I go away. I ask where "away" is and end up in the "Teacher's lounge" (which is anything but a lounge) and here I sit typing this blog.
I know teachers are busy and overwhelmed but no one, and I mean no one even bother to explain what I am supposed to be doing, who I am supposed to be doing it with or why I am not following any of the instructions on the peice of paper the office gave me.
I am not sure if I should go find Ms. Next's classroom for last period since my instructions read float.
or just sit here in the workroom until someone notices my absence (which I doubt) and I just go home.
So, what does this mean?
I really have no clue, but I won't sign up to do it again. I wasted the day. I mean i will get paid something for it. I just hate ignorance and no one to talk to about it.
It's very frustrating, well it would be if I didn't feel the semi-hysterical need to laugh about the absurdity of being invisible (I am a huge guy- unlikely to be missed)
Now that I think about it, I did accidentally creep up on Mz. Whiz last week on another sub assignment and scare the bejeezers out of her.
I am a big guy but I can move like a ninja sometimes.
