It's Christmas Eve. around 7pm and it's raining here in Knoxville, Tennessee.
I have had a less than satisfactory mushroom and swiss Hardee's Thickburger and small fry and sip of something they called raspberry tea but wasn't. I order a Medium fry but they jipped me out of it and the sweet tea. They were about to close and they jipped me instead of just being honest.
There is so very little joy in those peoples hearts, I suspect.
The Campbells Tomato Bisque was nice though.
A beautiful woman brought me some perfume and cookies. She's married and just my friend, so you Yentas can go back to Hanukkahing.
It was a lovely and thoughtful thing for her to do.
So this is Christmas, a holiday that I have to admit has long since lost most of its meaning to me. I will not have any family over, there is no family.
well that is not completely true, I have a brother and sister-in-law in Greensboro but they are there and I am here. My father lives in West Virginia with my step mother.
I will spend sometime with my mother and try to be grateful for that.
Once upon a time, in a far away land, Christmas was different with a large seemingly happy extended family who came to our house for Christmas. The four of us, myself, my father, my brother and my mother would share a pleasant idealistic Christmas morning in front of the tree. Those days fade away like mist in the coming day and I find myself looking forward to nothing, having never known love in my own life and having to stand forever on the fringes and watch all the other people find love and family and seemingly wonderful holidays to spend them together.
I no longer ask when will it be my turn.
When will I find and fall in love?
When will I find another family?
When will Christmas hold any special meaning for me again.
There is just nothing.
This year I won't have my dog to sit with.
I will drive home after doing what I do every Christmas Eve for the last 14 years, go to bed, pretend to not be sad or mad, and silently pray that another Christmas Day goes by with no more sadness or madness and that my extended family will be calm, since they are a real mess these days.
There are no gifts. No one to give any to.
Not totally true but than little is. I want to have a certain someone to give things that hold great meaning to and receive the same so that we can say I love you without words but in those gifts as I would imagine.
I am not that bad off.
I have people who care about me.
I have a home and a car and a job and electric power.
because of all this, I do remember the homeless and distraught.
I remember those who have to live with fear.
It makes me grateful, that I can come home alone with no fear other
than the ghosts which whisper up from my past condemning future.
It's a little bit funny and a little bit mad.
a little bit good and a little bit sad.
I am grateful for all that I get and all that
I have had, but it doesn't change the way things
are much as Christmas and I are not the best
dancing partners so far.
I hope that all of you have it better, and I feel for all of you who have it far worse than me.
I hope that Christmas brings you joy or at very least a reprieve from your troubles.
However this blog finds you, know that I am with you, if you will have me be.
good night.
Godspeed.
and that is life according to Mike
I have had a less than satisfactory mushroom and swiss Hardee's Thickburger and small fry and sip of something they called raspberry tea but wasn't. I order a Medium fry but they jipped me out of it and the sweet tea. They were about to close and they jipped me instead of just being honest.
There is so very little joy in those peoples hearts, I suspect.
The Campbells Tomato Bisque was nice though.
A beautiful woman brought me some perfume and cookies. She's married and just my friend, so you Yentas can go back to Hanukkahing.
It was a lovely and thoughtful thing for her to do.
So this is Christmas, a holiday that I have to admit has long since lost most of its meaning to me. I will not have any family over, there is no family.
well that is not completely true, I have a brother and sister-in-law in Greensboro but they are there and I am here. My father lives in West Virginia with my step mother.
I will spend sometime with my mother and try to be grateful for that.
Once upon a time, in a far away land, Christmas was different with a large seemingly happy extended family who came to our house for Christmas. The four of us, myself, my father, my brother and my mother would share a pleasant idealistic Christmas morning in front of the tree. Those days fade away like mist in the coming day and I find myself looking forward to nothing, having never known love in my own life and having to stand forever on the fringes and watch all the other people find love and family and seemingly wonderful holidays to spend them together.
I no longer ask when will it be my turn.
When will I find and fall in love?
When will I find another family?
When will Christmas hold any special meaning for me again.
There is just nothing.
This year I won't have my dog to sit with.
I will drive home after doing what I do every Christmas Eve for the last 14 years, go to bed, pretend to not be sad or mad, and silently pray that another Christmas Day goes by with no more sadness or madness and that my extended family will be calm, since they are a real mess these days.
There are no gifts. No one to give any to.
Not totally true but than little is. I want to have a certain someone to give things that hold great meaning to and receive the same so that we can say I love you without words but in those gifts as I would imagine.
I am not that bad off.
I have people who care about me.
I have a home and a car and a job and electric power.
because of all this, I do remember the homeless and distraught.
I remember those who have to live with fear.
It makes me grateful, that I can come home alone with no fear other
than the ghosts which whisper up from my past condemning future.
It's a little bit funny and a little bit mad.
a little bit good and a little bit sad.
I am grateful for all that I get and all that
I have had, but it doesn't change the way things
are much as Christmas and I are not the best
dancing partners so far.
I hope that all of you have it better, and I feel for all of you who have it far worse than me.
I hope that Christmas brings you joy or at very least a reprieve from your troubles.
However this blog finds you, know that I am with you, if you will have me be.
good night.
Godspeed.
and that is life according to Mike
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